Seven days late but here are my top three hopes for change
this year – in me and in Ethan – to help us live a calmer, happier, more
fulfilled relationship with Aspergers as our constant companion:
Ethan:
1) Change your tone of voice – I get that you don’t really
get intonation, along with facial expression and non-verbal-communication in
general. But, if you have to use the same tone in all conversation, can’t you
select a happier one?! I’m really rather fed-up with ‘miserable with a hint of
irritation’ tone. It feels like living with Eeyore combined with Harry Enfield’s
Kevin the teenager.
2) Stop being so negative. You can be in your warm, ample
home in this free, safe, affluent country with a full stomach courtesy of a
wonderful dinner your wife’s made and surrounded by a loving (albeit chaotic, loud
and argumentative) family, drowning in stuff you’ve bought yourself and you’ll
still actively search out something to criticise and moan about. It makes you a
really frustrating, depressing and unattractive person to be around.
3) Actively accept that to grow relationships you need to
feed them. That, to have friends, you need to be a friend; which means putting
yourself out sometimes, being willing to do things you don’t always want to do,
making the effort to speak to people, to say goodbye when you’re leaving a
social event, to do favours for people. Understand that, as well as taking from
people, you need to give if you want healthy, fulfilling relationships. Put
these truths into practise until they become natural – or at least easily
forced! You’ll benefit more than the people you reach out to.
Me:
1) Understand more – read the books on Aspergers and living
with an Aspergers partner that are sitting on my bedside table, rather than escaping
into a novel. Bother to seek out Ethan’s views and perspectives on things more often
and don’t always presume that my approach is the ‘right’ one and his the faulty
one to be fixed. Actively try to quash superiority and listen to and learn from
his approach. As a result...
2) Change more – criticise less, cut Ethan more slack and
appreciate how far he’s come and how amazing he is to cope (generally with
goodwill and humility) with the many challenges and hurdles each day throws up.
Ungrudgingly build in downtime for Ethan from the loud, disordered chaos of our
family life and the world (which means not moaning when he plays fighting games
on his computer – although I’ll draw the line if he’s in there for an hour during
the most hectic time of the day and showing no signs of emerging!). Accept that
Ethan will change the things he can but that some aspects of his behaviour may
never change – love him anyway. And focus on what I can change about me.
3) Encourage more – try a different tack. Easier said than
done but realise that criticism, nagging and arguing doesn’t result in a
repentant, transformed husband but generally an irritated, defiant or withdrawn
one. Praise the good, draw out the positives. Don’t react in the heat of the
moment and definitely don’t put Ethan down and belittle him in front of the
kids. Leave time for me and Ethan to calm down and, when I do bring an issue or
situation up, do it in a calm, logical way. Try to draw out his view of things
as well as giving my interpretation. And balance out each constructive
criticism with a positive encouragement. If I can’t think of one, give him a
hug. Don’t harbour resentment.
All very pious and idealistic, I know. Of course both of us
will slip up constantly. But I aspire to these changes in our relationship –
this is what I know will make things better. So, when it’s all gone horribly
wrong and I’ve screamed at Ethan in front of the kids about how he’s failed us
as a dad/husband, I’ll finish seething and imagining life without him, say
sorry and come back to these ideals. We’ll both dust ourselves off and start
again...and again...and again.
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