I’d prepared a carnic (picnic
in the car) to eat on the way, I’d convinced Ethan that there would be enough
snow on the hills to sledge and I had a rucksack filled with gloves, balaclavas
and extra socks. Whilst I prepared everything I thought we might need, Ethan
lingered (as he does) over his morning routine of time sitting on the loo with his
Iphone followed by a lengthy shower.
The time came. We extracted ourselves from church swiftly
and headed for the hills. Unfortunately, it seemed, everyone else was doing the
same. The queue started as soon as we hit the main road. I, in forced cheeriness,
tried to make the best of it with comments like: “doesn’t everywhere look
pretty in the snow?” and “who’d like another piece of pizza?” Ethan, when he bothered
to speak at all in-between sighing loudly, said things like “We’re going to be
stuck in this queue for at least another 40 minutes” and “Great [meant sarcastically]–
now it’s snowing. This is going to be pleasant.” He made no effort to join in
general conversation and looked thoroughly hacked off for the entire journey (more
on Ethan’s face which seems to be frozen in an expression of gloom another
time...). After a while, my irritation at him had built up sufficiently for me
to blow a fuse. I told him he was selfish and miserable and spoiling everyone’s
afternoon, that we couldn’t do anything about the traffic but what we could do
something about was our attitude, that I was sick of being the one always trying
to jolly things along while he did everything he could (knowingly or not) to
drag everyone down, that the very times that things don’t go to plan are the
very times we need to support each other to make the best of things. I was
shouting and close to tears. The kids witnessed it all and the subsequent mood for
the afternoon seemed set. When we finally got into the country park, I spotted a hill where a few kids were sledging and suggested we park there. As Ethan went further along the road to turn round, I spotted another hill, closer to the official car-park where people were sledging and suggested that we went there instead. Ethan snapped at me “Can we just stick to what’s been agreed please?” – unable or unwilling to bend and flex with circumstances.
Finally, we got to a hill. From the moment we got out of the car Oliver (aged 4) started moaning that he was cold and wanted to go home, Sam (aged 6) started crying when snow went down his welly and Ava (aged 9) spent the whole time desperate for a wee! In-between all the moaning and arguments we had some nice moments (Ethan made a snowman with the boys - which Oliver then proceeded to kick down making Sam cry, Ava enjoyed the sledging - until the sledge went over a tree stump and broke and Ethan and I found an acceptable way to take our aggression out by throwing snowballs at each other – it even had the effect of seeming to the kids that mummy and daddy were having fun together!)
Why is it so hard to have fun together as a family? Either
the kids moan and argue or Ethan is miserable and withdrawn (or both). The
eternal pessimism of him gets under my skin and frustrates me hugely so we
argue, so the atmosphere between us is tense, which I’m sure plays a part in the
kids behaving as they do.
As is the cycle, Ethan apologised afterwards for the way he
behaved. He says he felt really angry (all it had taken was a traffic jam to
create this anger) and he couldn’t snap out of it. I appreciate the apology –
but am getting a little (a lot) tired of the pattern: Ethan gets angry/frustrated/gloomy
over tiny things (just life, really) and makes no effort, which causes an
argument between us, which ruins our family time together. Repeatedly saying sorry
after the event doesn’t quite cut it.
And yet, what can I do but accept his apology (and apologise
myself for my outbursts of temper and the hurtful things I say) and keep on
going? I have to believe that we’re both capable of better, that we’ll both
keep trying, that – one day - we’ll go on a family outing and, even if there
are a few hiccups along the way, I'll report back that we had a lovely time.
Yes! Oh my goodness this resonated with me and our family! I always ask myself that same question-why can't we have fun together? It's one of the things I mourn about-especially when I hear other families so excited to spend time together on the weekend. Ours are filled with tension and pessimism. I know how hard it is to be the only seemingly trying to perk everything up and see the bright side. You're not alone, Laura. Thanks for chronicling our kind of family-it really helps.
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