Had a rare time of Ethan opening up to me this weekend.
Managed to negotiate the myriad of obstacles that needed to
be surmounted in order for Ethan and I to have a whole day and evening together
in Manchester. We had afternoon tea, we looked round an art gallery, we drank
cocktails - and it was during this part of the day that Ethan, relaxed,
contemplative and, crucially, given the space and time to really talk, told me
how it's feeling, at the moment, to be living with Aspergers. It changes,
depending on what kind of mood he's in, how well he feels he's been coping with
life, how tired he is. But one of the tensions between us recently has been how
much he drinks - bottles of rum are disappearing fast, and none of it is down
to me.
He told me that the only times he feels relaxed and
comfortable in his own home is when he's had a drink - it helps relax him.
Otherwise, he says, the mess and clutter and noise and kids, make him feel
really stressed out. He can physically feel the stress, he says, building up
inside him, and he either has to let it out by getting angry and irritated,
shouting at the kids and being grumpy with me, or by drinking or watching TV on
his computer (or preferably both) to dispel the stress. I'd been thinking
lately, how well he's been coping with all the mess in the house brought about
by lack of time, three kids and, to be honest, lack of inclination. Obviously
not - he's just given up mentioning it, finding the solution instead in a
tumbler full of rum. It's not good.
He also says that, although initially knowing that he'd got
Aspergers had made things easier - since he now understood why he did the
things he did, recently knowing has made things harder because he's so much
more conscious of the way he is. Whereas before he might make a faux-pas or
act insensitively, he'd be blissfully unaware of it. Now he's analysing
everything he says and does - and knows when he's, in his words, 'been a bit
weird'. Being constantly and publicly aware of your shortcomings every day and
not really being able to do much about them, must be hard. And to top that off,
he has a wife who, rather than offering comfort, points out how he's messed up
and nags him about not caring. Seems he cares a lot more than I've given him
credit for.
I do know, frequently and vocally, that it is hard for me to
be married to someone with Aspergers, but it's equally as hard for Ethan - and
so we need to help each other.
We've agreed that Ethan will only drink one of the days that
he's off a week - I'm hoping he'll honour the agreement. I would write that
I'll seriously undertake to do some tidying up but I know I won't. I barely
have time to pee at the moment. The best I can promise is that, amid the mess
and busyness of life, I'll make sure Ethan has his time to escape - with a cup
of tea, not a glass of rum.
It's great that you can talk about this Laura, it can only strengthen your relationship. Unfortunately Mr H would take any attempt to discuss as criticism, and would refuse to join in the conversation.
ReplyDeleteHe also drinks way too much, as a way of relieving stress he says, but I struggle sometimes to understand what he finds so stressful in normal everyday life.
Hannah x